peace

susah, payah, stubborn and so on .. if i said, i wanna change, nobody wanna listen to me, yeah, cez i keep on repeating the same thing, eventhough i said i've changed .. but dat's then .. im now, dont wanna think of anything anymore .. pliz, believe me, diz time ..

"xnak believe pun takper lah, orang dah ckap byk kali bukan nak dengar, degil!"

watever i did, i regret it, and hopefully things totally changed diz time, i'll try my best! pliz, support me .. straighten me up before i bend it over again ..

"kalo akue bend lagi, nie sure ko punyer psal laa, dah laa xsupport akue, menyusahkan otak akue agie, hish!"

yeah, i know, its alwiz my feelings, me and me .. eventhough doz got nothing to do with me, but wat can i do, love to explore people's feelings, love to listen to people's sad stories, love to help them, observe shits .. eventhough, i know dat at the end, me is the one who hurting myself ..

"trimer kasih cez dok seksa batin akue"

but now, dat wont happened again, i dnt care bout others anymore .. i want a fresh start fer myself .. i dont wanna give a damn bout feelings, sad stories and watsoevershit .. i wanna focus on my study and my life .. yeah, sounds like its only me again, but dats gud fer me now, fer sure .. u wanna hate me, do it! cez i dnt give a damn boutcha anymore .. peace fer me!

"dah, malas akue nak layan ko tuh, payah nak mampus, nak trimer pembaharuan akue ker xnak ker, lantak ko lah, yang akue tau, akue memang nak berubah"

people

so, i had diz chat wit my dear fren .. i was wondering fer so long, bout me, myself, which kinda messing up my own mind .. i asked her bout how i act on people who i called friend ..

the things she said, ive heard it before but never realized dat it was important not only fer others, its fer me! she said dat i care too much bout others, love to put myself in other's shoe easily, which doz will hurt me at the end ..

'why shud u care bout other's feelings? do you realized dat some people who are very close to you, dont even give a damn bout ya, never care bout wat u think, never really wanna know wats going on wit ya, and some are using u fer ur sweetheart? and some dont even wanna understand u, y u wanna try so hard to understand them? y is it so hard fer ya, to put doz things away? y cant u jez let it go?'

doz questions, i would never know the answer, cez im so loyal to a person called a friend .. i love them, and i do want them to understand me, to listen to wat i wanna say, and get me thru all the bullshit dat ive been through fer so long ..

she goes like 'look, clear ur mind, sister! they never care, never listen, all they want is to hurt u, to use u when they're in trouble, not too far fer the example, its too close to see, it happened in front of ya, and u cant see it or u juz blind urself and keep on thinking bout something useless?'

so, i asked fer her advises, and she told me to stay focus on anything, like create a hobby, so dat i wont disturb my mind again .. so, from now, ive learnt a lot .. never fall fer any feelings, and stand up fer myself cez right now, the one who alwiz keep me down, is me, myself and i .. im sorry fer myself, and from now on, i dnt wanna care bout others anymore, wat they wanna do, wat they wont do, aint my business no more .. stay put and focus on my life and study .. get out from the mess, go anywhere i wanna go .. cez nobody can put me in the box no more, even myself .. im a grown woman, and diz is wat i shud do on the first place!!

freedom, i need ya!

all dat matters

all the things u did, i hope u know it.. nothing else matter..

sometimes, i felt like my past is coming back to me, but things do happened in the opposite way to others, yeah, they enjoy the sickness, but fer me, to see it in front of my eyes, it hurts .. but wat can i do, im jez a stranger to a person named friend ..

i played my part so perfectly, but unfortunately, nobody sees me .. its jez me, alone in my black hole .. they laugh at me fer my past, they told me, its jez ur bad luck which will never happened to them .. sometimes, they talked to me, like im nothing, jez a piece of blank paper .. wat i did dat time, keep myself shut ...

i cant believe dat my friend, did something bad to me, never feel guilty bout it, and keep on doing it .. why do i alwiz be in the middle part of anything? i guess ive been cursed, and not know how to break the spell .. but i do know, one day, i'll be the most lucky person in the world, more than anyone could have .. but time always been cruel to me, slowly put me in the deepest part of life, and challenge me more and more .. now, i know, dat the more, i get thru and passed it, the more i learned .. and the beautiful sunshine, yet to come ...

i jez had to put myself held high and walk pass thru anything dat comes thru me .. all dat matters is my future, hopefully will be as bright as the one and only sunshine .. never gone .. away from me ...

crazy doc

one day, at 7 am, i tot i was late fer my class, but as usual, the doctor, ddnt come yet, yeah, so i put on my headphone, and hit some songs and solving my best game, sudoku ...

all of sudden, diz doc came and i off my ipod and find a seat, then, diz doc came to me, and said something shit agaian .. i'll translate fer ya, he said 'wats with the ipod anyway? if u dnt wanna come to class, its fine with me, jez get ur ass out from diz class, i've been watching u, wearing doz, in my class, and if u dnt interested listening to my lecture, u can get out from diz class'.. i goes like wat the fuck is going on with diz lecturer?? if heard diz before..

wats wrong with me, listening to my ipod, its a boring day, waiting fer lecturer to come .. at least i dont waste my time doing something bullshit .. and plus, i never wear my ipod in the class, never! wat? ur trying to think about some lame excuses cez i caught u before? fuck you, big ass bullshit!

is it wrong? i fucking walk to school everyday, of course i deserve some fucking entertainment fer myself .. u mind ur own business pliz .. jez an ipod, u must be fucking kidding me ... u such a pethetic loser! the way u teach us, like ur kinda very professional, yeah, u are, but as a teacher, u shud teach us like a teacher not some asshole who had diz kinda 'u all are stupid, listen to me bullshitting u all day long' attitude .. no wonder ur people, never learn anything from the world .. pity ya! get a life man, or get an ipod, and u will never loose it! believe me, cocksucker!

breathless

take a breathe, take it deep, calm urself, he says to me .. if u play, you play fer keeps, take the gun, and count to three .. im sweating now, no time to think, my turn to go ...

u can see my heart beating, u can see it thru my chest, im terrified, but im not leaving, i know that i must pass this test .. so, just pull the trigger ..

say a prayer, to urself .. he says close ur eyes, sometimes it helps .. and then i get, a scary thought, that is here, means he is never lost ..

and my life flashes before my eyes .. im wondering will i ever see another sunrise ? so many wont get the chance to say goodbye ... but its too late to pick up the value of my life ...

u can see my heart beating .. u can see it thru my chest, im terrified, but im not leaving .. i know that i must pass this test .. so, jez pull the trigger!

process

things around me do give me lots to process .. to take which is gud, to avoid which is bad .. but sometimes bad things do look delicious, but at the end, it turns out to be very sour till can barely open my eyes..

again, things i predicted, happened... urgh, i felt sory fer doz who suffered, but without dat, u wont learn.. and i hope, u know wat ur doing and fix the wrongs, make it better fer ur life, not repeating the same mistakes twice .. hold on to dat, kay..

wish u best of luck..

regret

today, i guess, im feeling so much better.. happy and nothing to wery bout.. of course, skip couple of classes, but the 3rd class, i attended jez becez got quiz today, ngeh3.. lazy ass, i admit dat..

fer few weeks, i dunno wat ive learned bout pharmacology, but today, my friend helped me to understand few things, dats a relief..tx man! appreciate dat..

one nite, when im out..planned jez fer to of us, but diz lady, pretty much love to talk, like non stop..i saw my gf's shit face, so i tried to control the situation, unfortunately, negative! it was a waste to bring the other lady along.. i brought her, fer the sake of a so called long lost friend.. im sorry dear, to blow up everything.. urgh..

its gud to see my gf, she was very happy to be out from her house, and enjoy, sit down, have some chats, gud fer her and fer me too..my mind totally cleared dat night..thank God! hope dat we can do it again, jez the two of us..!